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In Defense of Men 

(c) 2000 Sheridan Hill     Art: "The Penitent"  by David Hickman       

I never thought I’d be the one to stick up for men’s rights. I've been a feminist since I was 14 and discovered that my 1967 Webster's Dictionary defined boy as "a male child," while girl was given as "not a boy." It started when he told me that men are afraid of women.

“Men afraid of women? No, it’s just the opposite,” I say, and run to the Web to collect gender statistics on crime and domestic abuse. In a matter of minutes, I will prove him wrong. But the facts that surface are hard to swallow. Half of spousal murders are committed by wives? No way. But there it is, a 1985 National Family Violence Survey of 6,000 cases, funded by the National Institutes of Mental Health, conducted by Murray A. Straus and Richard J. Gelles at the University of New Hampshire.    

Between 1975 and 1985, male-against-female domestic violence decreased, while women's violence against men increased. In Straus and Gelles' second study, in 1986, 1.8 million women suffered assaults from a husband or boyfriend, but two million men were assaulted by a wife or girlfriend.

Wait a minute. Women have good reason to fear men. We are afraid to leave our houses without the safety of deadbolts, a look in the back seat, automatic door locks and a purse-sized canister of mace like the one on my key chain. Some of us live with men who beat us black and blue. Many of the women in these studies must be fighting in self-defense.   

No, says the National Family Violence Council: "The fact thatwomen had higher mean and median rates for severe violence suggests that female aggression is not merely a response to male aggression.”

For several days, I read online citations from Journal of the American Medical Association, studies from the Department of Justice, and “men’s issues” web pages, which are filled with testimonials from men who are or were abused by their spouses

A 1984 issue of the Justice Quarterly says that in domestic violence, women compensate for their size by using weapons. In 6,200 domestic abuse cases, 86 percent of women who assaulted men used weapons: guns, knives, boiling water, bricks, fireplace pokers and baseball bats. Only a quarter of men who assaulted women used weapons.

Mothers kill their children. After surveying murder cases in large urban counties in 1988, the U.S. Department of Justice reported that women made up more than half the defendants (55 percent) in cases involving parents killing their offspring. (1994-95 U.S. Department of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics Publications Catalog, publication #. NCJ 43498, “Murder in Families

In May, 2000, the Justice Department loudly announced the good news about domestic violence: in the years 1993 and 1998, the rate at which American women were attacked or threatened by loved ones (husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends) declined 21 percent. The Associated Press stories buried the statistics for men: the number of men who were attacked by wives or girlfriends remained stable, with 160,000 attacks both years.

The good news in the new Justice Department stats is this: Women may be attacking their men as much as ever, but they are apparently less successful at actually killing them: the number of men killed by wives or girlfriends declined 60 percent from 1976 through 1998, representing a steady 4% decline each year.

But the abuses committed -- and untold -- by women are widescale. Women are responsible for one-third of the sexual abuse of boys, according to the Dec. 2, 1998 Journal of the American Medical Association. Women pressure boys emotionally by saying something like, “If you don't do it, you're not a man, and I'll tell everyone."  

Matt Vegh, a Canadian charter rights advocate, has spent two years assisting male victims of domestic violence in the provincial courtrooms of Ontario, Canada.

"Make absolutely no mistake," Vegh said. "Women can smoke dope, booze it up, throw a fist, wield a knife, use a gun, beat their spouse, and beat their kids. It is a type of violence that is ignored, condoned, and treated as frivolous by a justice system that survives by feeding on the one individual who is easily stereo-typed, lacks public sympathy, does not raise fear of reprisal in politicians, and often does not fight back."

Vegh  recently took a month-long sabbatical to the Arizona mountains, where he mused that the most important service he offers his clients is not legal advice, but simply to believe in them. To listen. “These men are victimized by their spouses and then ridiculed by a justice system that denies what has happened to them,” he said. “They are stereotyped, labeled, and unheard by any authority. The human toll is staggering.”

As the weeks go by, I talk it over with three men friends, and am shocked to find that all of them were abused by either their mother or their wife.

“My life would have to be in danger before I would hit a woman,” says my friend Al. "I took a lot of scratches and bruises from my wife over the years because she knew I wouldn’t hit her back. But it will affect me for the rest of my life. It demoralizes you. It makes you almost dysfunctional with the opposite sex. People don’t understand; it’s not a matter of being more powerful.” Al never sought counseling to heal from spousal abuse because, “It’s shameful to talk about being beat up by a woman.”

I understand why women might be angry. We are beaten, too. Our mothers and our grandmothers and our great-grandmothers have lost hundreds of years skulking in the shadows, laboring quietly and longing desperately for the glance that says, “You are my equal”; looking and working our best and waiting patiently for the promotion, the hand up, the acknowledgement of a job well done, the camaraderie for chrissake.

But my feminist ideals are crumbling against the gender truths of the new millinneum. Boys are shorted in school, too. In Atlantic Magazine (May, 2000), Christina Hoff Sommers refutes the landmark studies of the past three decades and demands that boys, not girls, are the emotional and academic underdogs. Hoff says that data from the U.S. Department of Education, the National Center for Education Statistics, and university studies show that” girls get better grades, have higher educational aspirations, outnumber boys in student government, honor societies, on school newspapers, and in debating boys.

Girls read more books, outperform boys on tests for artistic and musical ability. On the other hand, more boys than girls are suspended from school. More are held back and more drop out. Boys are three times as likely to receive a diagnosis of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. More boys than girls are involved in crime, alcohol, and drugs. Girls attempt suicide more often than boys, but it is boys who more often succeed. In 1997, a typical year, 4,483 young people aged five to twenty-four committed suicide: 701 females and 3,782 males.

“A boy today, through no fault of his own, finds himself implicated in the social crime of shortchanging girls. Yet the allegedly silenced and neglected girl sitting next to him is likely to be the superior student. She is probably more articulate, more mature, more engaged, and more well-balanced. At the same time, he is uncomfortably aware that he is considered to be a member of the favored and dominant gender.”

Mary Matalin was right when she wrote in a 1993 Newsweek column: “We are not victims; our daughters are not infants; our sons are not brutes; our men are not monstrous pigs.” If women hate the idea that only men can be strong, we’d better reject the myth that only women can be gentle. If we aspire to leadership, it’s time we take responsibility for our own capacity to abuse and victimize others.

As for me, I am weary of the gender war. Besides, men don’t look so scary as as they did when I was in my 20s and 30s. Today, they just look like people walking down the street.

See Reader Comments on this essay.

Battered Men's Helpline: 1-877-643-1120 access code: 0757

ONLINE RESOURCES:

No Excuse 4 Abuse:  http://www.noexcuse4abuse.org/areyou.html

Family Violence Prevention Services http://www.serve.com/fvps/

S.A.F.E (Stop Abuse For Everyone) http://www.safe4all.org/.

National Men's Center  http://themenscenter.com/national.html.

Support:  http://familyofmen.com/

Domestic Abuse Defined: http://www.dvmen.org/dv-9.htm#pgfId-1000404

Links: Domestic Violence and Men

Men's Issues Page

For a powerful, well-researched list of assaults by women on their male partners, see http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm   (an annotated biliography by Martin S. Fiebert, Dept. of Psychology, California State University, Long Beach, CA.)

Go to next essay: It's time we began  Freeing the Soul From Fear ___________________________________________________________

Books about battered men:

The Abuse of Men : Trauma Begets Trauma by Barbara Jo Brothers (Editor) (published Aug. 2001)

www.vix.com/men/battery/pointers.html#batter-syndrome

  1. Author Unknown, "First Large-Scale Study Reveals Elder Abuse is Primarily by Wives Against Husbands," Marriage and Divorce Today, December 15, 1986.
  2. Author Unknown, "How Can I Admit I Am a Battered Husband: Special Report," Best Magazine, April 15, 1993.
  3. Author Unknown Violence in Adolscent Dating Relationships Common, New Survey Reveals" Sexuality Today Newsletter, December 22, 1986 (reporting on a report in Social Work contact Karen Brockopp) pp 2-3
  4. Adler, E.S. "The Underside of married life; power,influence and violence," Women and Crime in America, Bowker L.H. ed., Macmillan, New York, 1981.
  5. Bates, R.E., "A Plea for the Battered Husband," Family Law 11:92-94, 1981.
  6. Bland, R. and Orn, H., "Family Violence and Psychiatric Disorder," Canadian Journal of Psychiatry 31(2):129-137, 1986.
  7. Borkowski, M., Murch, M., and Walker, V. Marital Violence: The Community Response, Tavistock London, 1983.
  8. Breen, R.N., Premarital Violence: A Study of Abuse within Dating Relationships of College Students, The University of Texas at Arlington, 1985.
  9. Brinkerhoff, M. ane Lupri, E., (Interspousal Violence," Canadian Journal Of Sociology 13(4), 1988.
  10. Brockopp, Karen, "Violence in Adolescent Dating Relationships Common, New Survey Reveals," Sexuality Today Newsletter, pp 2-3, December 22, 1986.
  11. Browne, Angela. When Battered Women Kill. Collier Macmillian, London; Free PRess, New York. 1987.
  12. Brutz, J. and Ingoldsby, B.B., "Conflict Resolution in QuakerFamilies," Journal of Marriage and the Family 46:21-26, 1984.
  13. Burstall, Emma, "Are Men Victims?" New Woman, August, 1993.
  14. Curtis, L.A., Criminal violence: National patterns and behavior, Lexington Books, Lexington MA, 1974.
  15. Daly, M. & Wilson, M. "Parent-Offspring Homicides in Canada, 1974-1983" Science v. 242, pp. 519-524, 1988
  16. Edwards, Joe, "Men Get Battered, Too," Chat Magazine, April 18, 1992.
  17. Ensminger-Vanfossen, B., "Intersexual violence in Monroe County, New York," Victimology 4(2): 299-305, 1979.
  18. Farrell, Warren Why Men Are the Way They Are McGraw-Hill, New York, 1986, p. 231
  19. Garcia, Jane "The Cost of Escaping Domestic Violence" Los Angeles Times May 6, 1991
  20. Gelles, Richard and R. Loseke, Donileen , editors Current Controversies on Family Violence Sage Publications, 1993; ISBN 0-8039-4673-2 cloth; ISBN 0-8039-4674-0 paper
    We have a capsule review.
  21. Gelles, R.J. "The violent home: A study of physical aggression between husbands and wives" Sage, Beverly Hills, CA, 1974.
  22. Gelles, Richard J., "Domestic Criminal Violence," in Wolfgang, Marvin E., Criminal Violence, Beverly Hills: Sage Publications, 1982, pg. 201-235.
  23. Gelles, Richard J. and Straus, Murray A. Intimate Violence: The causes and consequences of abuse in the American Family, Simon & Schuster Inc, New York, 1988
  24. Gelles, Richard J, and Donileen R. Loseke, Current Controversies on Family Violence
  25. Giles, Sims, J., Wife Battering : a Systems Theory Approach, Guilford Press, New York, 1983.
  26. George,M.J. Riding the Donkey Backwards: Men as the Unacceptable Victims of Marital Violence. IN PRESS The Journal of Men's Studies Vol 3 No 2 (November 1994)
  27. Greenfield, Margaret, "Beaten Husbands," Women's Post, p. 2, July 8, 1992.
  28. Jones, Anne. Women Who Kill. Fawcett Crest, Ballantine Books, New York. 1981. A description of battered women who kill in self-defense.
  29. Jouriles, E.N. and O'Leary, K.D., (1985) "Interpersonal reliability of reports of marital violence," Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 53:419-421, 1985.
  30. Kirsta, Alix, "6 Ft., Macho, and Beaten by his Wife," Sunday Times, December 10, 1989.
  31. Kirsta, Alix, "Could You Batter Him," New Woman, January 1991.
  32. Langley, Roger & Levy, Richard C. Wife Beating:The Silent Crisis, Pocket Books, New York 1977.
  33. McLeod, M., "Women Against Men: An Examination of Domestic Violence Based on an Analysis of Official Data and National Victimization Data," Justice Quarterly, 1(2):171-193, 1984.
  34. McNeely, R. L., and Robinson-Simpson, G., "The Truth about Domestic Violence: A Falsely Framed Issue, Gender Sanity, University Press of America, 1988.
  35. McNeely, R.L.. and Robinson-Simpson, G(1987)The Truth about Domestic Violence: A Falsely Framed Issue.Social Work32(6)485-490

Excerpt from the text of the book: "Yet, while repeated studies consistently show that men are victims of domestic violence as often as are women, `both the lay public and many professionals regard a finding of no sex difference in rates of physical aggression among intimates as surprising, if not unreliable,' the stereotype being that men are aggressive `and women are exclusively victims.' "

  1. Mercy J.A. and Saltzman L.E., "Fatal violence among spouses in the United States, 1976-85," American Journal of Public Health 79(5):595-599, 1989.
  2. Mercy JA., Saltzman LE., Intentional Injury Section, Centers for Disease Control, Atlanta, GA 30333. May 1989. "Fatal violence among spouses in the United States," 1976-85. American Journal of Public Health. 79(5).595-9 May 1989.
  3. Nagi, Saad, "Child Maltreatment in the United States." Columbia University Press, New York, p. 47, 1977.
  4. Nisonoff, L. & Bitman, I "Spouse Abuse: Incidence and Relationship to Selected Demographic Variables" Victimology 4, 1979, pp. 131-140
  5. O'Leary K. Daniel., Barling J., Arias, Ilena, Rosenbaum Alan, Malone J., and Tyree A., "Prevalence and stability of physical aggression between spouses: a longitudinal analysis," Journal of Consulting & Clinical Psychology. 57(2):263-268, 1989.

This report notes that 31% of men and 44% of women in a study reported that they aggressed against their partner in the year before marriage. Eighteen months after marriage, 27% of the men and 36% of the women reported being violent towards their partner.

  1. O'Leary, K. Daniel; Arias, Ilena; Rosenbaum, Alan & Barling, Julian "Premarital Physical Aggression" State University of New York at Stony Brook & Syracuse University
  2. Pagelow, M.D., "The 'Battered Husband Syndrome': Social problem or much ado about little?" Marital Violence, Monograph 31, Sociological Review Johnosn, N. and Routledge, Kegan Paul eds., London, pp. 172-195, 1985.
  3. Pagelow, Mildred Daley. "Family violence". Praeger Scientific, New York, 1984. See "The question of a 'battered husband syndrome'", pp 267-277 for a critique of Steinmetz' work.
  4. Rooke, Margaret, "Violence in the Home" Radio Times 16-22 p. 8, March 1991.
  5. Saenger, G. "Male and female relation in the American comic strips" in The funnies: An American idiom M. White & R.H. Abel editors, The Free Press, Glencoe IL, 1963, p. 219-223
  6. Saunders, D.G., "When battered women use violence: Husband abuse or self defense," Violence and Victims 1:47-60, 1986.
  7. Scanzoni J., Sex Roles, Women's work and Marital conflict, Lexington Books, Lexington, MA, 1978.
  8. Sexuality Today Newsletter "New Survey Reveals Violence in Adolescent Dating Relationships Common" December 22, 1986 (reporting on a report in Social Work contact Karen Brockopp) pp 2-3.
  9. Shupe, A., "The Violent Woman", Violent Men Violent Couples, Stacey and Hazzlewood eds., Lexington Books, 1986.
  10. Smith, Angela, "Do Only Women Bleed?" Guardian, Women's section p. 1, July 15, 1992.
  11. Smith, S., Baker, D., Buchan, A. & Bodiwala, G., "Adult Domestic Violence," Health Trends 24:97-99, 1992.
  12. Stacey, Sarah, and Cantacuzino, Maria, "And Then She Hit Me," Esquire, p. 84, 1993.
  13. Statistical Abstract of the United States 1987 table 277
  14. Steinmetz, Suzanne K. "The Battered Husband Syndrome" Victimology 2, 1977- 1978, p. 499
  15. Steinmetz, Suzanne K. "Wifebeating, husband beating - a comparison of the use of physical violence between spouses to resolve marital fights in Roy, M. (Ed.) Battered Women New York Van Nostrand Rheinhold 1977 pp 63-72
  16. Steinmetz, Suzanne K. The cycle of violence: Assertive, aggressive and abusive family interaction Praeger Press, New York, 1977
  17. Steinmetz, Suzanne K. and Lucca, Joseph S. "Husband Battering" in Handbook of Family Violence Van Hasselt, Vincent B. et al. editors, Plenum Press, New York 1988, p. 233-246.
  18. Steinmetz, Suzanne K., "Women and Violence: Victims and Perpetrators," American Journal of Psychotherapy 34(3): 334-350, 1980.
  19. Straus M.A., "Husband abuse and the woman offender are important problems," Current Controversies on Family Violence, Gelles R.J & D. Loseke eds., Sage Women's Educational Press, Atlanta, 1993.
  20. Straus, M., "Wife Beating: How Common and Why?," Victimology 2:443-458, 1977-78.
  21. Straus, M., and Gelles, R., "Societal Change and Change in Family Violence from 1975 to 1985 as Revealed by Two National Surveys," Journal of Marriage and the Family 48:465-479, 1986.
  22. Straus, M.A., Gelles, R.J., and Steinmetz, S.K. Behind closed doors: Violence in American families . Doubleday, New York, 1980. Followup work to "Intimate Violence"
  23. Szinovacz, M.E., "Using couple data as a methodological tool : The case of marital violence," Journal of Marriage and the Family 45(3):633-644, 1983.
  24. Wilkerson, Isabel "Clemency Granted to 25 Women Convicted for Assault or Murder" New York Times December 21, 1990
  25. Wilt, G.M. & Bannon, J.D. Violence and the police: Homicides, assaults and disturbances The Police Foundation, Washington DC, 1976
  26. Wolff, Isobell, "Beyond the Rolling Pin: Domestic Violence and the Other Side," Spectator Magazine, p. 22, November 28, 1992.
  27. Wolfgang Marvin E., Patterns in Criminal Homicide. University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia. 1958. Also (*Curtis 1974), (*Mercy & Saltzman 1989).

Many selections originally Collected and posted by Michael Rivero rivero@kwcc.com .
Other citations added by a man who did not wish to be identified.
HTML by David R Throop.

Domestic Violence and Men

Men's Issues Page

From http://www.vix.com/men/battery/commentary/dgross-hbat.html 

Biden, Joseph "Violence Against Women Act of 1990" (S. 15) 1991.

Boxer, Barbara "A Bill to combat violence and crimes against women on the streets and in homes" (H.R. 5468) 101st Congress, 2nd Session, August 3, 1990

Curtis, L.A. Criminal violence: National patterns and behavior Lexington Books, Lexington MA, 1974

Daly, M. & Wilson, M. "Parent-Offspring Homicides in Canada, 1974-1983" Science v. 242, pp. 519-524, 1988

Farrell, Warren Why Men Are the Way They Are McGraw-Hill, New York, 1986, p. 231

Garcia, Jane "The Cost of Escaping Domestic Violence" Los Angeles Times May 6, 1991

Gelles, R.J. The violent home: A study of physical aggression between husbands and wives Sage, Beverly Hills CA, 1974

Langley, Roger & Levy, Richard C. Wife Beating: The Silent Crisis Pocket Books, New York 1977

Marriage and Divorce Today "First Large-Scale Study Reveals Elder Abuse is Primarily by Wives Against Husbands" December 15, 1986

Mercy, J.A. & Saltzman, L.E. "Fatal violence among spouses in the United States, 1976-85" American Journal of Public Health 79(5): 595-9 May 1989

Nagi, Saad Child Maltreatment in the United States Columbia University Press, New York, p. 47, 1977

Nisonoff, L. & Bitman, I "Spouse Abuse: Incidence and Relationship to Selected Demographic Variables" Victimology 4, 1979, pp. 131-140

O'Leary, K. Daniel; Arias, Ilena; Rosenbaum, Alan & Barling, Julian "Premarital Physical Aggression" State University of New York at Stony Brook & Syracuse University

Rooke, Margaret "Violence in the Home" RadioTimes 16-22 March 1991 p. 8.

Saenger, G. "Male and female relation in the American comic strips" in The funnies: An American idiom M. White & R.H. Abel editors, The Free Press, Glencoe IL, 1963, p. 219-223

Sexuality Today Newsletter "Violence in Adolescent Dating Relationships Common, New Survey Reveals" December 22, 1986 (reporting on a report in Social Work contact Karen Brockopp) pp 2-3.

Statistical Abstract of the United States 1987 table 277

Steinmetz, Suzanne K. The cycle of violence: Assertive, aggressive and abusive family interaction Praeger Press, New York, 1977

Steinmetz, Suzanne K. "The Battered Husband Syndrome" Victimology 2, 1977-1978, p. 499 Steinmetz, Suzanne K. and Lucca, Joseph S. "Husband Battering" in Handbook of Family Violence Van Hasselt, Vincent B. et al. editors, Plenum Press, New York 1988, p. 233-246

Strauss, M.A., Gelles, R.J., and Steinmetz, S.K. Behind closed doors: Violence in American families Doubleday, New York, 1980

Strauss, M.A. & Gelles, R.J. "Societal change and change in family violence from 1975 to 1985 as revealed by two national surveys" Journal of Marriage and the Family 48, po. 465-479, 1986

Wilkerson, Isabel "Clemency Granted to 25 Women Convicted for Assault or Murder" New York Times December 21, 1990

Wilt, G.M. & Bannon, J.D. Violence and the police: Homicides, assaults and disturbances The Police Foundation, Washington DC, 1976

Wolfgang, M. Patterns in Criminal Homicide Wiley, New York, 1958

References by David Gross. Headlines and html editing by David Throop

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