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Reader Comments about "In Defense of Men"

My brother is in a abusive relationship.  He says that he stays to provide a
stable environment for his son who is two.  As a former victim of abuse I
know that abusive behavior can be exhibited by both men and women.  My
brothers girlfriend verbally and physically abuses him all the time.  She
does not work so she has plenty of time to keep confusion going.  How do I
help my brother see that he is being abused and that this is not  a healthy
situation for him or his son.  She has hit him, cut him and smeared feces in
his face from the baby's diaper.  He is very quiet and never says much to our
family.  My mom and brother and dad are very angry and don't want to be
around them.  But I keep telling them not to isolate him because this is
usually what the abuser wants so they can have complete control.  I think he   has not married her because deep down inside he know it's not healthy.
June 14, 2001 C.23

Ms. Hill,
I am neither a victim nor a perpetrator of DV, yet in behalf of my
twelve-year-old son, who has to grow up in this world, I thank you for this
article. F. H, New Jersey, September 15, 2001

"I have represented battered men in court and found that they are embarassed and afraid to speak up. In one case, the judge addressed my client as the perpetrator--he automatically assumed that the man I was representing was charged with abuse, but my client was actually the one who was abused.

"But the abuse is still primarily done by men to women. I once had a judge tell me, 'It only takes two and a half minutes to prepare a protective order in an abuse case.' But that's not true: you have to get to know the client, and she has to have a rapport with her attorney so she can speak freely. It is about the intricacies of her life, it is not about getting a piece of paper."--Elizabeth Morriss Srinivasan, senior attorney, Battered Women's Justice Project, January 2001

Our brother has been married to a very violent woman. He was the main caregiver of his son and protected his 4-year-old son from her violence.

We kept urging him to leave her. She tried to keep him isolated and he kept thinking, because he "loved" her that he would eventually be able to convince her to get help. She also continually told him to go ahead and call the police, saying, "Who do you think that they will believe? Littl' ol' petite me, or a crazed Veteran with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome?"

She locked him out of his own home for fifteen days and refused to let him see his son~ with no custody order or restraining order of any kind. He would call her on a daily basis. When she started threatening to slit her throat and that of their son, he went in and rescued his son. CPS told him that if he didn't do what ever it took to make sure his son was safe~ that because he knew of her violent nature and had never reported her before that if she did harm him that they would charge him as well. He tried to get the police to help to no avail.

Now he has been arrested and charged with kidnapping his own son and has been sitting in the county jail for eight months waiting trial. The law clearly states that he had the right to do the rescue. And that he had ten days to report to the D.A.'s office. He took his son camping, came back in town and was arrested in the K-mart parking lot "fleeing" with his son! He only had his son for five days! And that law was really for a non-custodial parent~ he had custody of his son~ just as much as she did. They set his bail at $565.000 dollars!!! He has lost fifty pounds~ been refused treatment for his PTSD, put on suicide watch because he can't eat, but he had an abcessed tooth!

His trial has been postponed for another forty five days!!! It was so sad~ when I went to see him this week-end he started telling me all the things to tell his son. He told me that he thought he was dying... And to look at him he may be... We just can't believe this is happening!!!

We found out that my brothers case helped them to satisfy quota's for funding of grants... It's all about money!!!! Never have I or my brother been in trouble with the law! it's just outrageous! -GB, April 11, 2002

"I have a friend I've known for 7 years, and we are best friends. He has been in a relationship with this woman for about two years now and the whole time, I keep hearing about the beatings he is receiving from his girlfriend. Just this afternoon I had to pick him up downtown after he was released from jail after his girlfriend had assaulted him. She herself was taken in to custody for the incident, but was treated as though she was the victim by the police.

"She hit my friend in the face while he was sitting in his van, then she called the police and told them he tried to run her down with his van. The police had a paramedic unit check her over (she was unharmed), while they hand-cuffed my friend and put him in the back of the police car  without informing the paramedics that he was injured and bleeding from the mouth.

"My friend spent the next day and a half in jail--first he was beaten by his girlfriend, then denied medical attention and then thrown in jail and is now looking at fifth degree assault on his record.

"His girlfriend is not being charged with anything. This woman has an assault record a mile long. A month before all of this, she had assaulted a friend of ours. She ended up hitting our friend in the face with his own phone and breaking open his nose. This is on record as a pending assault now.

"She is already on probation for other numerous assaults even a felony assault on a police officer after kicking the officer in the head and fracturing the officer's skull. And yet she hasn't served any time for any of these things she continually violates her probation and gets away with it! I really don't want to find out one day that my best friend has been killed when this could have been taken care of long beforehand. -- T.B. April 2, 2000

At the insistance of our family, my son-in-law took out a restraining (protective order?) on my daughter. She is using drugs and is mentally unstable, we were all concerned about the grandchildren, she has been
served the order, yesterday she broke the order and attempted to get into the house, his sister was there and called the police, they would not do anything.

I am furious! I know for a fact if the situation had been reversed and my daughter had filed the restraining order and my son-in-law had broken it,
he would be sitting in jail now. Now I also understand why more men do not file-- what is the point? Why have a restraining order when the police won't inforce it? I just thank God my grandchildren were not there at the time.   --S.L. November 17, 2000

Go to next essay: It's time we began  Freeing the Soul From Fear

Or, for more about battered men, see these web sites:

S.A.F.E (Stop Abuse For Everyone) http://www.safe4all.org/.

National Men's Center  http://themenscenter.com/national.html.

Support:  http://familyofmen.com/

Domestic Abuse Defined: http://www.dvmen.org/dv-9.htm#pgfId-1000404

Links: Domestic Violence and Men

Men's Issues Page

www.vix.com/men/battery/pointers.html#batter-syndrome

  1. Author Unknown, "First Large-Scale Study Reveals Elder Abuse is Primarily by Wives Against Husbands," Marriage and Divorce Today, December 15, 1986.
  2. Author Unknown, "How Can I Admit I Am a Battered Husband: Special Report," Best Magazine, April 15, 1993.
  3. Author Unknown Violence in Adolscent Dating Relationships Common, New Survey Reveals" Sexuality Today Newsletter, December 22, 1986 (reporting on a report in Social Work contact Karen Brockopp) pp 2-3
  4. Adler, E.S. "The Underside of married life; power,influence and violence," Women and Crime in America, Bowker L.H. ed., Macmillan, New York, 1981.
  5. Bates, R.E., "A Plea for the Battered Husband," Family Law 11:92-94, 1981.
  6. Bland, R. and Orn, H., "Family Violence and Psychiatric Disorder," Canadian Journal of Psychiatry 31(2):129-137, 1986.
  7. Borkowski, M., Murch, M., and Walker, V. Marital Violence: The Community Response, Tavistock London, 1983.
  8. Breen, R.N., Premarital Violence: A Study of Abuse within Dating Relationships of College Students, The University of Texas at Arlington, 1985.
  9. Brinkerhoff, M. ane Lupri, E., (Interspousal Violence," Canadian Journal Of Sociology 13(4), 1988.
  10. Brockopp, Karen, "Violence in Adolescent Dating Relationships Common, New Survey Reveals," Sexuality Today Newsletter, pp 2-3, December 22, 1986.
  11. Browne, Angela. When Battered Women Kill. Collier Macmillian, London; Free PRess, New York. 1987.
  12. Brutz, J. and Ingoldsby, B.B., "Conflict Resolution in QuakerFamilies," Journal of Marriage and the Family 46:21-26, 1984.
  13. Burstall, Emma, "Are Men Victims?" New Woman, August, 1993.
  14. Curtis, L.A., Criminal violence: National patterns and behavior, Lexington Books, Lexington MA, 1974.
  15. Daly, M. & Wilson, M. "Parent-Offspring Homicides in Canada, 1974-1983" Science v. 242, pp. 519-524, 1988
  16. Edwards, Joe, "Men Get Battered, Too," Chat Magazine, April 18, 1992.
  17. Ensminger-Vanfossen, B., "Intersexual violence in Monroe County, New York," Victimology 4(2): 299-305, 1979.
  18. Farrell, Warren Why Men Are the Way They Are McGraw-Hill, New York, 1986, p. 231
  19. Garcia, Jane "The Cost of Escaping Domestic Violence" Los Angeles Times May 6, 1991
  20. Gelles, Richard and R. Loseke, Donileen , editors Current Controversies on Family Violence Sage Publications, 1993; ISBN 0-8039-4673-2 cloth; ISBN 0-8039-4674-0 paper
    We have a capsule review.
  21. Gelles, R.J. "The violent home: A study of physical aggression between husbands and wives" Sage, Beverly Hills, CA, 1974.
  22. Gelles, Richard J., "Domestic Criminal Violence," in Wolfgang, Marvin E., Criminal Violence, Beverly Hills: Sage Publications, 1982, pg. 201-235.
  23. Gelles, Richard J. and Straus, Murray A. Intimate Violence: The causes and consequences of abuse in the American Family, Simon & Schuster Inc, New York, 1988
  24. Gelles, Richard J, and Donileen R. Loseke, Current Controversies on Family Violence
  25. Giles, Sims, J., Wife Battering : a Systems Theory Approach, Guilford Press, New York, 1983.
  26. George,M.J. Riding the Donkey Backwards: Men as the Unacceptable Victims of Marital Violence. IN PRESS The Journal of Men's Studies Vol 3 No 2 (November 1994)
  27. Greenfield, Margaret, "Beaten Husbands," Women's Post, p. 2, July 8, 1992.
  28. Jones, Anne. Women Who Kill. Fawcett Crest, Ballantine Books, New York. 1981. A description of battered women who kill in self-defense.
  29. Jouriles, E.N. and O'Leary, K.D., (1985) "Interpersonal reliability of reports of marital violence," Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 53:419-421, 1985.
  30. Kirsta, Alix, "6 Ft., Macho, and Beaten by his Wife," Sunday Times, December 10, 1989.
  31. Kirsta, Alix, "Could You Batter Him," New Woman, January 1991.
  32. Langley, Roger & Levy, Richard C. Wife Beating:The Silent Crisis, Pocket Books, New York 1977.
  33. McLeod, M., "Women Against Men: An Examination of Domestic Violence Based on an Analysis of Official Data and National Victimization Data," Justice Quarterly, 1(2):171-193, 1984.
  34. McNeely, R. L., and Robinson-Simpson, G., "The Truth about Domestic Violence: A Falsely Framed Issue, Gender Sanity, University Press of America, 1988.
  35. McNeely, R.L.. and Robinson-Simpson, G(1987)The Truth about Domestic Violence: A Falsely Framed Issue.Social Work32(6)485-490

Excerpt from the text of the book: "Yet, while repeated studies consistently show that men are victims of domestic violence as often as are women, `both the lay public and many professionals regard a finding of no sex difference in rates of physical aggression among intimates as surprising, if not unreliable,' the stereotype being that men are aggressive `and women are exclusively victims.' "

  1. Mercy J.A. and Saltzman L.E., "Fatal violence among spouses in the United States, 1976-85," American Journal of Public Health 79(5):595-599, 1989.
  2. Mercy JA., Saltzman LE., Intentional Injury Section, Centers for Disease Control, Atlanta, GA 30333. May 1989. "Fatal violence among spouses in the United States," 1976-85. American Journal of Public Health. 79(5).595-9 May 1989.
  3. Nagi, Saad, "Child Maltreatment in the United States." Columbia University Press, New York, p. 47, 1977.
  4. Nisonoff, L. & Bitman, I "Spouse Abuse: Incidence and Relationship to Selected Demographic Variables" Victimology 4, 1979, pp. 131-140
  5. O'Leary K. Daniel., Barling J., Arias, Ilena, Rosenbaum Alan, Malone J., and Tyree A., "Prevalence and stability of physical aggression between spouses: a longitudinal analysis," Journal of Consulting & Clinical Psychology. 57(2):263-268, 1989.

This report notes that 31% of men and 44% of women in a study reported that they aggressed against their partner in the year before marriage. Eighteen months after marriage, 27% of the men and 36% of the women reported being violent towards their partner.

  1. O'Leary, K. Daniel; Arias, Ilena; Rosenbaum, Alan & Barling, Julian "Premarital Physical Aggression" State University of New York at Stony Brook & Syracuse University
  2. Pagelow, M.D., "The 'Battered Husband Syndrome': Social problem or much ado about little?" Marital Violence, Monograph 31, Sociological Review Johnosn, N. and Routledge, Kegan Paul eds., London, pp. 172-195, 1985.
  3. Pagelow, Mildred Daley. "Family violence". Praeger Scientific, New York, 1984. See "The question of a 'battered husband syndrome'", pp 267-277 for a critique of Steinmetz' work.
  4. Rooke, Margaret, "Violence in the Home" Radio Times 16-22 p. 8, March 1991.
  5. Saenger, G. "Male and female relation in the American comic strips" in The funnies: An American idiom M. White & R.H. Abel editors, The Free Press, Glencoe IL, 1963, p. 219-223
  6. Saunders, D.G., "When battered women use violence: Husband abuse or self defense," Violence and Victims 1:47-60, 1986.
  7. Scanzoni J., Sex Roles, Women's work and Marital conflict, Lexington Books, Lexington, MA, 1978.
  8. Sexuality Today Newsletter "New Survey Reveals Violence in Adolescent Dating Relationships Common" December 22, 1986 (reporting on a report in Social Work contact Karen Brockopp) pp 2-3.
  9. Shupe, A., "The Violent Woman", Violent Men Violent Couples, Stacey and Hazzlewood eds., Lexington Books, 1986.
  10. Smith, Angela, "Do Only Women Bleed?" Guardian, Women's section p. 1, July 15, 1992.
  11. Smith, S., Baker, D., Buchan, A. & Bodiwala, G., "Adult Domestic Violence," Health Trends 24:97-99, 1992.
  12. Stacey, Sarah, and Cantacuzino, Maria, "And Then She Hit Me," Esquire, p. 84, 1993.
  13. Statistical Abstract of the United States 1987 table 277
  14. Steinmetz, Suzanne K. "The Battered Husband Syndrome" Victimology 2, 1977- 1978, p. 499
  15. Steinmetz, Suzanne K. "Wifebeating, husband beating - a comparison of the use of physical violence between spouses to resolve marital fights in Roy, M. (Ed.) Battered Women New York Van Nostrand Rheinhold 1977 pp 63-72
  16. Steinmetz, Suzanne K. The cycle of violence: Assertive, aggressive and abusive family interaction Praeger Press, New York, 1977
  17. Steinmetz, Suzanne K. and Lucca, Joseph S. "Husband Battering" in Handbook of Family Violence Van Hasselt, Vincent B. et al. editors, Plenum Press, New York 1988, p. 233-246.
  18. Steinmetz, Suzanne K., "Women and Violence: Victims and Perpetrators," American Journal of Psychotherapy 34(3): 334-350, 1980.
  19. Straus M.A., "Husband abuse and the woman offender are important problems," Current Controversies on Family Violence, Gelles R.J & D. Loseke eds., Sage Women's Educational Press, Atlanta, 1993.
  20. Straus, M., "Wife Beating: How Common and Why?," Victimology 2:443-458, 1977-78.
  21. Straus, M., and Gelles, R., "Societal Change and Change in Family Violence from 1975 to 1985 as Revealed by Two National Surveys," Journal of Marriage and the Family 48:465-479, 1986.
  22. Straus, M.A., Gelles, R.J., and Steinmetz, S.K. Behind closed doors: Violence in American families . Doubleday, New York, 1980. Followup work to "Intimate Violence"
  23. Szinovacz, M.E., "Using couple data as a methodological tool : The case of marital violence," Journal of Marriage and the Family 45(3):633-644, 1983.
  24. Wilkerson, Isabel "Clemency Granted to 25 Women Convicted for Assault or Murder" New York Times December 21, 1990
  25. Wilt, G.M. & Bannon, J.D. Violence and the police: Homicides, assaults and disturbances The Police Foundation, Washington DC, 1976
  26. Wolff, Isobell, "Beyond the Rolling Pin: Domestic Violence and the Other Side," Spectator Magazine, p. 22, November 28, 1992.
  27. Wolfgang Marvin E., Patterns in Criminal Homicide. University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia. 1958. Also (*Curtis 1974), (*Mercy & Saltzman 1989).

Many selections originally Collected and posted by Michael Rivero rivero@kwcc.com .
Other citations added by a man who did not wish to be identified.
HTML by David R Throop.

Domestic Violence and Men

Men's Issues Page

From http://www.vix.com/men/battery/commentary/dgross-hbat.html 

Biden, Joseph "Violence Against Women Act of 1990" (S. 15) 1991.

Boxer, Barbara "A Bill to combat violence and crimes against women on the streets and in homes" (H.R. 5468) 101st Congress, 2nd Session, August 3, 1990

Curtis, L.A. Criminal violence: National patterns and behavior Lexington Books, Lexington MA, 1974

Daly, M. & Wilson, M. "Parent-Offspring Homicides in Canada, 1974-1983" Science v. 242, pp. 519-524, 1988

Farrell, Warren Why Men Are the Way They Are McGraw-Hill, New York, 1986, p. 231

Garcia, Jane "The Cost of Escaping Domestic Violence" Los Angeles Times May 6, 1991

Gelles, R.J. The violent home: A study of physical aggression between husbands and wives Sage, Beverly Hills CA, 1974

Langley, Roger & Levy, Richard C. Wife Beating: The Silent Crisis Pocket Books, New York 1977

Marriage and Divorce Today "First Large-Scale Study Reveals Elder Abuse is Primarily by Wives Against Husbands" December 15, 1986

Mercy, J.A. & Saltzman, L.E. "Fatal violence among spouses in the United States, 1976-85" American Journal of Public Health 79(5): 595-9 May 1989

Nagi, Saad Child Maltreatment in the United States Columbia University Press, New York, p. 47, 1977

Nisonoff, L. & Bitman, I "Spouse Abuse: Incidence and Relationship to Selected Demographic Variables" Victimology 4, 1979, pp. 131-140

O'Leary, K. Daniel; Arias, Ilena; Rosenbaum, Alan & Barling, Julian "Premarital Physical Aggression" State University of New York at Stony Brook & Syracuse University

Rooke, Margaret "Violence in the Home" RadioTimes 16-22 March 1991 p. 8.

Saenger, G. "Male and female relation in the American comic strips" in The funnies: An American idiom M. White & R.H. Abel editors, The Free Press, Glencoe IL, 1963, p. 219-223

Sexuality Today Newsletter "Violence in Adolescent Dating Relationships Common, New Survey Reveals" December 22, 1986 (reporting on a report in Social Work contact Karen Brockopp) pp 2-3.

Statistical Abstract of the United States 1987 table 277

Steinmetz, Suzanne K. The cycle of violence: Assertive, aggressive and abusive family interaction Praeger Press, New York, 1977

Steinmetz, Suzanne K. "The Battered Husband Syndrome" Victimology 2, 1977-1978, p. 499 Steinmetz, Suzanne K. and Lucca, Joseph S. "Husband Battering" in Handbook of Family Violence Van Hasselt, Vincent B. et al. editors, Plenum Press, New York 1988, p. 233-246

Strauss, M.A., Gelles, R.J., and Steinmetz, S.K. Behind closed doors: Violence in American families Doubleday, New York, 1980

Strauss, M.A. & Gelles, R.J. "Societal change and change in family violence from 1975 to 1985 as revealed by two national surveys" Journal of Marriage and the Family 48, po. 465-479, 1986

Wilkerson, Isabel "Clemency Granted to 25 Women Convicted for Assault or Murder" New York Times December 21, 1990

Wilt, G.M. & Bannon, J.D. Violence and the police: Homicides, assaults and disturbances The Police Foundation, Washington DC, 1976

Wolfgang, M. Patterns in Criminal Homicide Wiley, New York, 1958

References by David Gross. Headlines and html editing by David Throop

Copyright © 1999 Sheridan Hill
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